So, I just finished reading Gina's latest entry about graduate school and finding out what she really wants to do but feeling selfish about this because she believes all she can do with it is teach. She's not saying that teaching is a bad thing, but she doesn't feel that she can help these people to the best of her ability and she doesn't feel like she'd be doing anything to solve the world's problems. This got me thinking because I chose education as a way to actually do "something productive" with my life. Before student teaching, this concept was extremely fluid to me and I was constantly second guessing myself. I, like Gina, strongly considered being a therapist. My freshman year, I really wanted to be a child psychologist or a music therapist. I watched my roommate struggle with music theory and decided that it wasn't for me, but I breezed through my social psychology class. At the same time, I became involved and interested in my European history course. I finally felt challenged and welcomed the change. I ended up adding the major, unsure of what I was going to do with it in the future.

Somewhere between toying with the ideas of law school and getting a PhD, I allowed a relationship to help me box those ambitions up and have them float off into the sky along with other dream careers. I was steered into the direction of education, something people had been telling me to do for years. UD's program was unimpressive (possibly because it was explained to me by the worst teacher I've ever had), and further conversations directed me towards Augustana. Even after I got out of that "reality" and taking classes here, I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Yeah, I wanted to teach. Or did I? Even last term I thought about jumping ship and going back to my psychology major. I miss it. It was something I felt like I understood, it came easily. History was kind of my way of feeling less like I was copping out. At the same time, I missed being involved in theater, a dream from long ago.

Dr. Schroeder somehow got me to drop psychology and pick up secondary education just to see what the program was about, and I technically never changed back. One thing I worried about was making a difference. Like Gina, I want to make an impression, I want to feel like I'm solving something or taking action instead of just talking about the problems in the world. When you think about all of the teachers you've had in your life, most people think about their elementary school teachers. They do so much for their students, they know their children inside and out, and their kids love them for it. Teaching the young'uns is incredibly rewarding, something I've seen from my friends' moms and from teaching swim lessons. What worried me was if I could in fact do the same thing with high schoolers. I wanted to teach secondary because I could still teach but at the same time teach more things that I'm interested in. I could keep the history major and still get a psych minor, which was important to me.

After student teaching, I have found that I made more of an impact than I thought. I look back on the student teachers I'd had, and I favorably remember the ones from elementary school and dislike the ones from high school, especially the female ones. My lifeguards had great faith in me and predicted that I'd be a bitchy teacher. I was wary of teaching economics to high school freshmen. I had to put this all behind me and couldn't worry about what they thought of me, furthering the distance. At the end, I realized how much of an impact I had on my students. I got to help out in the computer lab, and they wanted my help, not my cooperating teacher's. They were actually upset when I left. I have run into a couple of them since I left, and they actually miss me and say that class is "boring" now. It's hit me - I made an impression. They learned from me. Even though they didn't hug me, draw me pictures, or cry when I left, they still liked me, and it's an awesome feeling, one I thought I'd miss out on.

Enough of the sappy part of education. It's important, but getting back to the heart of the issue is this feeling like we need to do something other than talk about problems. Taking action to make changes is important, and while this might not be directly accomplished in the classroom, teachers themselves are constantly working together to make changes to benefit their students and their schools. Teachers help improve their schools to benefit their students and the community. This type of "action" I didn't even consider until I was sitting in on meetings for school improvement, inservices, and department meetings to help change the social studies curriculum. Suddenly, these issues that we've talked about in education courses are being played out before our eyes. All these things I was frustrated with in those classes can actually be improved, molded, shaped, changed - all from working in a school.

In the classroom, as Sandy said, the teacher is something of a mentor/actor/role model/therapist - many different roles for an individual to fill. I get to start talking with students more in-depth about problems in society and the world around them, which can also happen in other subject areas and different grade levels. While we may want to take action on resolving these issues, as teachers we can help our students understand the background information. We can help our students with a foundation and challenge them to create their own ideas and beliefs. We can even make them come up with possible solutions to some of these problems in the world. Creating an interest and allowing them to explore possiblities are ways an educator can "take action." While we cannot make our students do something about the problems once they leave, we have at least provided them with the background information and tools to help them decide what they want to do with their futures.

Sorry, this is ridiculously long, if you've made it to the end, congradulations, you've read my procrastination from writing my history paper. Once upon a time, I wanted so badly to be back on campus. Now I want to be done with this, the transition has been difficult and I'm having trouble seeing the point to being back in class. I've done my student teaching, I've proven that I can do this, and I know it's what I want to be doing. I want a job, I'm tired of owing my parents money, I'm tired of being a financial burden. I want so very much to be grown up, and Augustana gave me a little taste of what it's like to be out in the field (minus the paycheck), and then they reel me back in, throw $400 worth of textbooks at me and expect me to go back to being a student?!? And of course, having all these thoughts bottled up doesn't help, especially when I'm having a particularly rough day. Ugh, sorry, today was a rough day to be a student again - I dislike having my schedule for the week changed drastically in such a short span of time, resulting in a much less relaxing break than I thought I'd be getting. Damn you professors who tricked me into thinking I was actually going to get time off over the holidays...

Last day of student teaching. The reality of it is starting to set in, and I'm starting to be sad and unhappy. I'm sorry to everyone who I lost touch with during this, I miss you all, and I'll be back to being drunk and a slacker at 3:30 (although the drunk part might have to wait, as I'll be driving home).

Lots has happened as well, just haven't updated. Possibly will make this change over Thanksgiving break!! Safe travels home to everyone, I'll miss my Augie friends and my kick-ass roomies, but I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY FRIENDS FROM HOME!!!! (all 2 of them, hehe)

Currently Reading American Sphinx : The Character of Thomas Jefferson By Joseph J. Ellis see related

Argh, since I'm having a difficult time focusing and have zero ways of letting this frustration out, I'm going to have to rant for right now. If you don't want to see my bitching, I suggest you stop reading now.

I went home this weekend, which was nice. I really needed to get away from here (especially after Friday night's festivities and the stressful week of the end of the quarter), and I got to go home and see my parents and my new kitty, who rocks. I hung out with someone I was close to in high school who I'd lost touch with senior year. Recently we've been talking a lot more lately, but because I'm an idiot and overanalyze things, I've gotten too close/too involved in things. The goal of the term was to stay away from guys and anything that would distract me from student teaching, and I did a great job until Saturday. Granted, I needed the distraction, I needed the break, I was losing my mind. Upon returning to Augustana, I find myself in a hopeless situation, similar to what this individual and I went through in high school. I thought I was past all of this. I'm better off alone, I know that. This is not what I need right now, this is not something I can handle. I've been so good at avoiding this, and now all of the sudden it's all I can think about. I feel like such an idiot. I know it's stupid, I know I don't stand a chance, and yet it always gets the best of me. I strive to NOT be one of "those girls," the ones who just don't get it, the ones who allow themselves to be walked all over and get hurt all the time, but I set myself up like it's my f-ing job.

Ah, and writing it helps. If you know me well enough, you know what this is all about and can probably make an educated guess about what's going on. I know, I'm stupid and should have just stayed away. I should have seen it coming. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20, and my vision in the present is much worse than that (even with my contact in). But a part of me will always wonder...

Funny how strangers can read you better than your own friends sometimes. They see things that you close your eyes to, things that you hate to admit. They point out what your friends allow you to ignore and overlook. While your friends understand the reasons why you choose to ignore certain things and make poor decisions based on your current mental state, strangers tell it like it is. They have nothing to lose from telling you exactly what they see. This guy that I met for the first time knew just about everything that was happening as it was happening. Why must it take a stranger for me to re-evaluate, look at what I'm doing and where I'm going, and finally consider options that scare the shit out of me?

I guess I'm not as tough as I thought, and these kinds of things will always affect me no matter how much I pretend that they don't, no matter how much I don't want them to play a role in my life.

Ah, learning how to deal...

Currently Reading Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass By Lewis Carroll see related

Quick update, as I am sucking at this stuff. Student teaching is going well even though it's stressful at times. I'm enjoying it and am learning lots about teaching, myself, and other random life lessons that one picks up along the way. Between Sunday night and Monday morning I age about 8 years (my kids think I'm 30), and it's strange sometimes to play an adult Monday through Friday and to turn around and be a college kid as soon as class is out on Friday afternoons.

My birthday was Friday, and it was the best birthday ever!! Kelli told me she was coming out for a little bit and shows up with Niffer, which was awesome. Then, all of the sudden, I'm on the phone with Steve Kuehn and the next thing I know he's standing in the doorway to my bedroom with Meg behind him!!!!!!! His roommate Bear came too, and I ended up going to University of Iowa to see them, and I had a GREAT TIME!!! I love my friends, they're the greatest, thank you, that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me. It was amazing to see you all in my messy bedroom here at Augie and I'm so glad I got to spend time with you after not being able to visit Eastern last weekend. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and one other random thing... during my procrastination time, I came across this personality quiz/test thingy, and the results of it freak me out because it is somewhat accurate. Let me know what you think!

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

The past week has been interesting, quite possibly because more alcohol was involved this week than any other week of the entire summer...

Tuesday: I had a team meeting, and Kelli and I decided margaritas would be good for dinner. Oops. It rained, for some reason I decided to run to my car. I slipped and fell, somehow managing to twist/fall/sprain my left ankle. Again. I swear, I don't try to do this kind of stuff, it just happens! One day, I will no longer be a huge klutz.

Wednesday: Guard party! At first I was hesitant to join in the festivities, but I ended up having a pretty good time, in spite of interesting moments regarding particular individuals, but it's okay. Work that morning was interesting, trying to explain to all those parents and my bosses why my left ankle was wrapped in an Ace bandage.

Thursday: Not gonna lie, nothing really cool happened on Thursday. It rained, and swim lessons was quiet for the first time all summer long!

Friday: LAST DAY OF SWIM LESSONS FOR 2005!  Needless to say, I was excited. Now I just have to complete the paperwork and I'm done until next May! I'd love to say I went out and partied like it was 1999, but instead I crawled into bed around 10:30. Yes, I am that cool.

Saturday: To prove that I'm not entirely a grandma and to act my true age, I went out with Kelli, Jesse, and Kelli's friend Eric. We pre-gamed in Kelli's backyard waiting for Jesse. I'd never been out around here before, and it wasn't all that bad until we got kicked out. I know what you're thinking - I'm not a bad ass. And so rest assured that it was not my fault. I did get in trouble trying to give Kelli's friend a wet willy and he was about 12398472398479 feet taller than me. I guess Jesse took someone else's water on accident, I don't really know, all I knew was I was laughing one minute and being accused of theft the next minute, facing a bouncer and a police officer. This was enough for me to high tail it out the back door, only to find myself standing alone and waiting for everyone to come outside after they argued with the bouncer. I returned home at 3AM to my house being TPed by Paul's team.

Sunday: I had an early morning, so I came home and slept all day. I met up with my team for pool games and we went TPing. I was almost kidnapped when I first arrived at the pool, but my team saved me (they rock my socks). Later, we came back to my house and worked on stuff for the next morning. Right as we decide to call it a night, Brian Boom pulled up in his van and started harassing my teammates. Eventually they got out of here, but Brian and company continued to TP my house again. I ran outside, got the hose, and ultimately lost the battle. They took the hose away from me, attempted to duct tape me together (I'll be happy to share that I put up a damn good fight and they only managed to tape my wrists together), and threw me in Brian's minivan. They finally dropped me off around 1AM.

Today: RTPD Staff Games 2005!! It went very well, my team had a lot of fun, and I'm proud of them. I was slightly discouraged at the beginning of the season because I couldn't get them together, but they pulled through when they needed to. Good job to my team and to everyone in general. I've had a lot of fun with you all.

I got an e-mail from my co-op today... I guess I've had so much fun being a kid I forgot that I have to go to the "real world" starting next week. Hopefully I can get myself to stop goofing around and actually get some work done for student teaching. I need to stop stressing myself out about it and just go with the flow - being uptight will only make it more difficult and painful.

And now, after this recap, I must quickly change and go back to work. This is the first night shift I've worked all summer (I think?), and it's my first inservice in a long time. School on Sunday!